Junk in the Trunk

Feeling extra fat today. Reasons for this include:

1. Got my chunky booty stuck in a rubber ring  for about 5 minutes, I laughed but slowly I was dying inside. (well technically you are always slowly dying, it's called the progression of time moron!! I ain't no Benjamin Button)
2. My new top from Miss Selfridge makes me look more pregnant than my 32 week pregnant friend
3. Wearing a bikini - no other explanation needed
4. Shopping and trying on an ever so unflattering dress, in which I can see myself from every angle. No one wants to see themselves from every angle, how much fat can one pair of retinas take?!?!
5. Standing next to my very skinny 13 year old sister in above mentioned bikini, urge to drown her was nearly unbearable

To combat this I need cake and maybe chocolate and possibly cider - definitely not to go on a diet. No way am I going to be skinny in 7 weeks before I go on holiday, let's just hope no one tries to harpoon the whale in the ocean!!